19th Dec. 2019
Dear self,
it's been a year already since today, last year. Could you comprehend that? I know lately you must've been thinking about this time of the year a lot, how your mind wanders back to these vague memories, each time you wake up in the morning.
Winter, cold breeze, night drives, blankets, and a blank page.
Same places. Different time.
I'm writing this, not because there's a single chance to turn back the clock. I'm writing this, cause I wish I could tell you how you're doing right now, one year later.
I'm sorry for things I let happened. I'm sorry for the things I wasn't sure of. I'm sorry for your neglected doubts. I'm not blaming you for what I am turning into right now. I am truly sorry. They say, ,,sometimes all you need to do is forgive yourself", so that's what I'm trying to do right now.
I'm sorry that your happiness couldn't be kept for a long time. I'm sorry for all the late nights you'll have to go through, I'm sorry for all the soaked pillows, all those turnings and bad dreams. I wish I could tell you all of this, before it's too late. Before you fall. Before today. There are many things you'll have to face, things you can never go back to, things you never expected, things that will make you scream without noise.
You wouldn't believe me if I told you that the people you were spending time with right now will never be there again in a year. How things will change slowly but crucially killing you. How their absence will break and haunt you, until there comes a time where you just stand there silently gazing into a fog not knowing what to do with your hands, struggling to carry your shattered heart home.
I'm sorry that I could't warn you about those tiring sleepless night. How you wonder how this life turns upside down because you can't do that one routine you always do. How you question yourself, how come this girl who used to always fall asleep couldn't even fall asleep ever again, without drinking a Lavender sleep tea.
I'm sorry for the tears that will fall in a broad daylight, in the supermarket, and in the bus on your way home. I'm sorry for certain places you have to avoid walking by again. I'm sorry how things turn out, for all the hurting, for the untold speeches. For all the love you give until you're broke.
I hope you understand, if not now, may be in 2 years, or even 10 years from now.
Sincerely,
Your future self.
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