The year is coming to an end and sitting here alone in my room, I'm trying to put a closure to one of the most difficult years in my life into paragraphs.
If I had to be brutally honest, I'd say I spent half of this year drowning in lakes of loss. On that side, I'm so glad that this year's almost over. I lost so many things, from a certain person, friends, time, and the most crucial and hardest part I had to face was losing my own-self. There are so many beautiful moments I know I could never relieve again. There are dark cold nights where I fell on the floor and couldn't even bring myself back to stand. There are nights where I'd lay under the night sky watching the stars and reminded how I used to watch those constellations almost every clear night, a long time ago. There are warm summer nights where same mistakes were committed, and confessions were stuttered. There are awkward rides, uncomfortable silences, and broken promises. There are laughter's, longing stares and untold speeches. There are unfulfilled wishes, false pretences, forgotten days, and forgiven apologies. There are unplanned journeys, unwrapped presents, and endless waiting. There are disappointments, unanswered questions, counting down the days, and an escape cruise.
I learn that love is about giving and giving, that you don't expect anything in return, even when all you asked for is more time. But sometimes time is stole away from you. I learn that all we have is now, there is no assurance that we might still have time tomorrow, or even the next second. I learn how tables turn, I realise how hurting can loving be, how heart remains honest, no matter how good our mouths lie. I learn the hard way, that memory is the only thing that will stay with you, and that they will haunt you no matter how hard you try to forget them.
Never in my wildest dreams ever I dreamt of experiencing this kind of painful year. I lost certain people for good and that was the most sickening part of this all, thinking you can never talk to someone like you used to. I gained friendship with people I never expected to. I traveled, in the hope for finding myself again somewhere, somewhere I've never been.
I'm standing at the edge of a closure, so close to the free fall and to define what I'd do next. I know I will never be happy if I stay where I am right now. Sometimes you need to save yourself before you save others, before it's too late. And maybe, that's what I'm going to do. And I hope that my heart will understand, one day, maybe sooner or maybe 10 years later, that some people can only be kept in your heart, and not in your life. That the only thing that you can ask for was God's love and forgiveness and to leave some people in His care.
Here's to 2019.
Here's to letting go.
Here's to the memories.
Here's to the people I love.
You are the hardest lesson I ever had to learn.
I'll leave you with peace.
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