“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.
Frodo Baggins, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
Sitting here in the same chair I always used to sit almost every night 9 years ago (mostly chatting with my online-twitter-friends obsessing about Harry Potter, Narnia, celebrity crushes, fandom life, and movie premieres), I now find myself trying to write out what's been going on in my life since a few years and how, lately, I've been questioning my own path.
I've been living in Germany for a little more than 2 years now. I came back to my second homeland but to an entirely new place. I've built a life that I, at first, didn't really enjoy or happy about. My job wasn't what I expected to be and not to mention, that it certainly was not the most pleasant job out there. But at least, I learned. A stepping stone. Unsurprisingly it wasn't all rainbow or sunshine, I didn't need much time to adapt but there was definitely struggle of living by your own with no one you knew before. But it was alright, I'm used to be by my own and I enjoy my own solitude. Sure there are times I felt lonesome, but most importantly, I was doing alright. I was thankful that I did get the chance to be living by my own and not depending on anyone anymore, and to be back to my second home-country.
In between dreams and reality, I caught up in some heart changing chapters in my life. I never expected or planned any of these pivotal events to occur during my momentary 2-years-stay, but life had other plans and God was giving me one of the most difficult tests I had to face, yet. I knew I shouldn't have started growing any attachment or building basement in a place where I exactly knew, would never plan on staying long for. But as said, life's inevitable and God had other plans.
Times changed. So did the heart.
The reason I wanted to come back to Germany was to chase after what I love and my dream. To be close to the places that once made me so happy and alive. I never expected that in the meanwhile that dream would change, or more accurately to say, that the heart would change.
I never thought my life could change so drastically during these 2 years. It sometimes scares the hell out of me, I feel like I've been taken further and further away from my old-self. I lost that old idea of happiness. The feeling of happiness I once had in this country was vanished and replaced with new memories and hopes. So many emotional things happened in the meanwhile, from so many beautiful moments, from friendship turned to love and heartbreak, incapability of letting go.. all those emotions and confusions accumulated had undoubtedly affected my mental and spiritual health. I've noticed myself feeling so low, confused and depressed most of the time in 2019 (I wrote and uploaded my reflection on the year and what lessons I learned from it). I realised how unhealthy my environment was to my mentality and despite of being strong, I know I would lose myself if I chose to stay longer. At that time. I started pushing people away and constantly having internal battles, difficulty to sleep, feeling guilty of knowing what's wrong and my heart knowing what's right. I was afraid, afraid of the bitter reality that might be thrown at my face any time, afraid to see someone that I dearly love everyday but not being able to do anything about it.. the fear of being replaced.. I realise there was no point to continue what I was doing if it wouldn't make anything better. I needed time to be away for awhile.
So I decided to go. It was never easy to be the one who left.
Now that I moved to an old familiar place, I realise it's not going to be easier either. I came back to a place that I call home and expecting that I would feel the same happiness I used to feel 9 years ago but what I didn't realise was, I came back as another person who has changed and I can't feel the same way as I used to anymore. There's no wide-eyed 18 years old exchange-student anymore, though I wish I could feel that way again. My second home has became my comfort zone at times I needed a shelter, and it's not where I belong forever.
I'm starting to question myself what I actually want in life.
I've forgotten what it's like to be contently living, how to be happy.
And I don't know where the path I'm taking will lead me to.
All I know is I want to be happy again.
I can't quite put all the feelings I'm going through right now into words. I've always been the kind of person who don't speak their problems or feelings out loud. I always kept everything to myself, for the sake of not troubling anyone with my problem or sadness. I've been dwelling in my own head far too long and forgot that life goes on out there. I've realised what makes me content was following my heart, following what I love the most in this world, to never give up on my dream. Maybe it's the only way I always lived my life.
That where it hits me the most, realising my only dream now is not meant to be followed. The first time I’ve ever been told not to go and fight for what I love the most. It feels like being told to die and it rip the soul out of me.
Life always finds a way to surprise you, and you wouldn't know what to do until you're forced to be strong enough to face it.
All I can do now is pray and pray. I believe if something belongs to you it would always find its way back to you, no matter how far or how long you are separated from it. Although there are still things I don't understand, I know God is the only one I can hold on to. I may slowly begin to understand, home is not a place; it's not found in a form of certain house that shelters you from the storm. It's a feeling, a feel of belonging you can only find in a place or a person you put your heart in. As long as you're somewhere where your heart isn't, you'll always be homesick for a home you don't even own.
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