Nope. This post is not about my favourite dinosaur.
On 15th of May 2018 my Thai Airways flight officially landed in Frankfurt. Seven years has passed after the last time I stood on my feet in that Terminal building, bidding farewell to the life I've built for a year as a 18 year old High School AFS exchange-student who had to go back to her home-country.
Much to my surprise I didn't see any major changes, but I felt somehow completely different. At some time, I realised I'm not that 18 year old girl anymore, who was wide-eyed and had half a clue about what's to come. I realised that so many things happened to me within those years, some made me feel not quite as happy or content as I used to anymore.
I took a train from Frankfurt Fernbahnhof (airport train station) to the city central station. You know that kind of feeling you get when you come to a familiar place? It didn't feel strange at all. More like coming back to a place where you used to go before. The people, the smell of the S-Bahn, the announcer in ICE trains, the air, the sky and even the shops. Everything seemed to stay the same after 7 years.
But.. I came here not to specifically living back in my second home-town. I had a new work contract waiting for me on the east part of Germany, in a very small but beautiful old-town called Wörlitz, about 70 Km's from Leipzig, and 1h30m drive from/to Berlin. Being raised in a big city like Medan and living for a year in the middle of Rhine-Ruhr Europe Metropolitan area in North Rhine-Westphalia among big cities like Düsseldorf, Dortmund, Cologne, Essen, Oberhausen and Duisburg, being in Wörlitz made it seemed like I lived in the middle of nowhere. The nearest big towns are Dessau and Wittenberg, which is about 35-45 min bus ride, and the bus only came about once in every hour and the last bus from/to Wörlitz is at 6 PM. So if you wanted to hang out until late in the evening you had to make a bus appointment first so a personal "taxi" bus would come to pick you up.
Living by yourself had its own perks, since I was raised as an only child I'm quite used to be alone and independent most of the time. I could also decorate my room however I'd like it to be and so on, but also sometimes it could get boring since there's not much to see here and the chance of travelling to other cities are pretty expensive and (time) limited due to irregular full-day work and school schedule. I used to travel by train to near-by cities whenever I had free time or just as an escape of relaxation to ease my stress. But now, unfortunately I couldn't do that.
At the end of May and on my summer holiday, I finally had the chance to visit my host family's home in Dinslaken. It sort of felt like a dream but real in a way. That my exchange year was real and was not just a memory of a dream, as how I felt these last couple years. Like coming back to Narnia and found out it was really there after all. I saw my host-mother, my host-sister, my best-friends, my second home, my old school, the streets I used to go by every morning.. those old places filled with precious memories. After seven years, finally. But somehow there's still a certain pang of sadness I felt in my heart knowing that everything wasn't as simple as it used to be and there's no going back to that time. I now realised how carefree and careless I was at 18, how I didn't (have to) think much about the future, just enjoying my life and how it went by before my eyes.
I'm beyond thankful to God that I am given the chance to be here again but I just realise that I can never carelessly run or dance or walk across those streets again, experiencing the same happiness and feeling I used to feel when I was younger. Moments like these, are where I completely relate and understand every word Adele meant in her song "Million Years Ago" which is why I find it one of the truest, saddest songs from her album 25 along "When We Were Young".
I only wanted to have fun
Learning to fly, learning to run
I let my heart decide the way
When I was young
Deep down I must have always known
That this would be inevitable
To earn my stripes I'd have to pay
And bare my soul
I know I'm not the only one
Who regrets the things they've done
Sometimes I just feel it's only me
Who can't stand the reflection that they see
I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother, I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago
When I walk around all of the streets
Where I grew up and found my feet
They can't look me in the eye
It's like they're scared of me
I try to think of things to say
Like a joke or a memory
But they don't recognise me now
In the light of day
I know I'm not the only one Who regrets the things they've done Sometimes I just feel it's only me Who never became who they thought they'd be I wish I could live a little more Look up to the sky not just the floor I feel like my life is flashing by And all I can do is watch and cry I miss the air, I miss my friends I miss my mother, I miss it when Life was a party to be thrown But that was a million years ago A million years ago
And yes, I indeed feel like 7 years is a million years ago. -a.n.l.
Credits: Adele - Million Years Ago; Writer(s): Adele Laurie Blue Adkins, Gregory Allen Kurstin
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